Getting Lost
by Molly4
Summary: AU. At the end of "The Ties That Bind," Seth never ran away. What happens during his summer at home? What happens when the summer ends? Will Ryan come home?


A/N: I feel as if I should give fair warning: This will be an AU, go in many seemingly random directions and will probably not end in an explosion of butterflies and kittens, if you get my drift.

What you need to know: It starts off at the end of the Season 1 finale, but Seth never runs away.

Disclaimers: Everything belongs to Josh and the good people at FOX.

Rating: PG-13, mostly for later chapters. There will be some unconventional pairings coming up on the horizon.

Getting Lost

By: Molly 4

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Seth was counting to a thousand.

Seth was making a mental list of the state capitols, First Ladies and Vice Presidents.

Seth was trying not to cry.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been lying on his bed. He wasn't sure if he could ever get up.

With his eyes open, he zeroed in on everything that reminded him of Ryan, which was, in fact, everything in his room.

With his eyes closed, images of his most perfect memories played on the back of his eyelids: Vegas, his hand intertwined with Summer's, Ryan right beside, a rare grin on his face, the laughs you never saw when he was trying to stop Marissa from drinking.

Not sure which was the lesser of the two evils, Seth resorted to burying his face into his pillow and waiting for the icy hands of death to come and claim him. Or whatever.

"Seth?"

A light rapping of knuckles against wood followed.

Seth swallowed and bit back tears. Knocking meant a deep, soul-searching conversation, and he wasn't in the mood.

"Seth…"

The door opened slowly and closed with a muted thud.

Seth clutched his sheets tightly in his fist and squeezed his eyes shut. He rolled over so his back was to the door, to his father. Closed doors meant a long talk. He didn't think he could last.

"Hey kid." His father's voice was too gentle, too quiet. It was the voice he used when he was going to talk, whether Seth wanted to hear him or not.

The sudden sagging of his mattress didn't surprise Seth, but the warm hand plunged into his hair kind of deal. As did the light kiss planted on his temple.

"I don't expect you to talk much," Sandy said, his fingers running through Seth's curls tenderly. "But I want you to listen to me, okay? I want you to hear every word. Can you give me that?"

Seth gave no response.

"Seth? Just give me some kind of sign that you understand, okay?"

"Yeah. Fine," Seth choked out, a sob cut short erupting from his mouth.

Sandy bit his lip, not sure where to begin.

"Ryan's gone. And I know that it sucks. Believe me, I know." He sighed. "But I am here. Mom is here. Please, son, please be here. Talk to us every now and then, huh? I don't want to lose you too." He squeezed Seth's shoulder. "I love you, son. When you're ready to talk, I'm available, twenty-four seven. Bug me at work. I don't care. Just, please..don't slip away again."

"I can't go back," Seth whispered, his voice cracking. The tears were starting to fall, silent but painful.

"This summer's going to be difficult, but we will get through this, okay?" Sandy paused. "We're all hurting. But we can't run away from this. Just…don't be afraid to depend on us for…for whatever you need."

The blankets shifted a little, and Seth's face became visible to Sandy.

"I don't want to talk right now," he said quietly, voice quavering.

"All right." Sandy bit his lip. "Can I- I mean, how about I just sit here awhile? Would you want that?"

Seth wiped his face dry with both hands. He didn't want company and he didn't want to be alone. He wanted Ryan to come back home.

"Okay," he responded finally, feeling a full-fledged sob rising as Sandy took his hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

Sensing tension, Sandy stood up quickly and occupied himself with other things in the room. He studied the rock band posters with one eye, the other firmly affixed on Seth.

Ryan drove away with Theresa three hours earlier. Sandy was holding the other together while his own strength slowly died. But he couldn't let his guard down until he saw his wife and son sleeping peacefully with his own eyes.

Without openly staring, Sandy watched the progress of his son's tears. After about five minutes, the steady stream tapered off and was no more. That battle ended, Sandy reclaimed his perch on the edge of Seth's bed, waiting for his breath to even out.

He hoped things would look better in the morning.

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"Is he going to be okay?"

Sandy shrugged sadly and took a nibble at his bagel. Frowning, he tossed it back onto his plate. Nothing tasted good.

"Well did he seem angry, or just sad? Sandy, we have to know what we're dealing with."

Sandy smiled faintly. Kirsten was in mother hen mode. If she couldn't make her own pain go away, she'd throw herself into healing Seth.

"I really don't know, honey. He didn't say a lot…just that he couldn't go back." Sandy brushed a kiss on Kirsten's forehead as he scooted by for a second round of coffee.

"Couldn't go back to what?" Kirsten frowned.

Sandy sighed. "The way it was before, I assume."

"What was so bad when it was just us?" Kirsten demanded, crossing her arms.

"Neither of us are seventeen. We don't go school with him, or know everything that he knows." He sipped his coffee. "As much as we hate to admit it, he can't tell us everything."

"Morning."

The mumbled greeting was more than either Sandy or Kirsten had expected. They had doubted that Seth would even leave his room.

"Hey, Seth."

"Morning, sweetheart." Kirsten crossed the room and offered her arms to Seth.

Seth accepted the hug wordlessly, eyelids drooping shut, cheek resting on Kirsten's shoulder.

A stinging feeling of emptiness attacked Kirsten as soon as Seth let go. She watched him go through his morning ritual, his face a blank slate.

"Are you going to see Summer today, honey?" she asked, sitting beside him at the counter and opening up the newspaper.

"Probably not," Seth replied, rejecting the Art and Leisure section Kirsten offered him with a wave of the hand.

"What do you have planned? Sandy asked, leaning against the counter. "I'm hitting the waves in about an hour, if you're interested."

"I'll probably just hang out," Seth responded, staring into his cereal bowl.

Sandy and Kirsten exchanged worried glances. "Hanging out," in Seth-speak meant bouncing quietly around the house all day, never staying in one place too long, never making his presence too obvious. He floated from the TV to the computer, to the pool, a ghost.

Seth squirmed. This is where it started. The smothering. Offers to go surfing or hit the mall for some new clothes. Excuses to go places and attempts to engage him in deep conversation while he fiddled with the car radio.

His life pre-Ryan in Newport was hell. His life post-Ryan in Newport was going to be hell. He'd get over it. Well, no, he wouldn't, but what choice did he have?

"I'm gonna go online or something," he announced, hopping down from his chair and hurriedly placing his bowl in the sink. "Catch ya guys later."

He practically sprinted from the room.

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"Hey, Cohen."

"Hi, Summer."

"I've been trying to call you for like, a week."

"I've been busy."

"Whatev. Look, what's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, you're like, not even a person anymore."

"Where'd you get that from?"

"You haven't left the house since Chino left. You parents are worried about you. I'm worried about you."

"Don't be. I'm fine."

"I'm shallow, Cohen, not stupid. Talk to me..we're supposed to tell each other stuff like this."

"I don't feel like talking."

"Do you wanna be with me anymore, Seth? I'm trying to be supportive and all, but you're not making this easy for me."

"Maybe it's better if…never mind.."

"If what? If we break up?"

"Look what it took to break us up before. Your father didn't like me. Not exactly giving me confidence for a long-term thing. I don't think I can take it right now."

"I came back to you, Cohen."

"Yeah, you came back because Jen kissed me in Vegas. And you went after me because Anna was there. Are you still going to want to be with me when there's no competition? When it's just us? Just me? When you don't have to be Wonder Woman or fly to Vegas?"

"That isn't fair."

"Maybe not."

"You don't trust me."

"I'm sorry, okay?"

"Look, Chino ditched you, fine. But that doesn't mean you have to stop trusting people or caring about people or getting close to people..me, at least."

"I can't. I'm sorry. I wish I could make you understand this, but I can't."

"No, no. I understand. I get it. You're scared, Cohen. Fine. I'll give you your space or whatever."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever. Look, when you decide to rejoin the human race, give me a call or something. I'm not a bad friend to have, you know?"

"I know…"

"I'm hanging up now, Cohen, got it? Just…go out every now and then or something. You don't want to get paler than you already are."

"I really am sorry..hello, hello? Summer?"

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end of chapter 1


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